My work

Last month I had a meeting with the parents of my 22 yr old client. They are so strong and so very tired. They need hope for the future. Their's and their son's. They want to pass the torch but see no one waiting ahead of them. They long for their son to have the skills he needs to live apart from them but they also know him and what he's shown he is capable of so far. They want to have high expectations while acknowledging he may not be able to meet those goals. They wish they could pass the torch of independence to their son. But they can't. Not in the way they dream of doing. Oh the depth of their love and devotion to him and to each other! The way his mom couldn't sit still or take a breath. The way his dad sat patiently and interjected when he had a wise word to give. The surprise and relief on their faces and in their postures, especially his dad's, when they realized I understood. 

This week I had a meeting with a different client. He doesn't have parents that are strong or have any dreams for him. He's lived at his current home for about a year. His words say he wants to stay but his actions say he wants out. No sooner did I meet him then I had to start calling him out on his choices and the consequences of those choices. Ordinarily I flee from confrontation but in this moment my instinct to help overpowered my usual cowardice. I talked and listened and asked lots of questions of him and the two people sitting across from me that had that same look as the parents I was talking about at the beginning. So worn and weary their faces and bodies appeared. They wanted to hope but weren't sure they should since they've been burned so often.  I embraced the role as leader of the pack and proceeded to make a plan that was clear, concise, and concrete. We will check in with each other once a week and will all meet again in one month to reassess if the client really does want to stay or if it's time for him to move on. Once the expectations were clearly spelled out and boundaries were made, everyone's continence changed. There was relief and a sliver of hope on their faces. We will see how it goes. The light at the end of the tunnel may be a train but we will face it together. Who knows, it may be a tail light leading us to freedom. 

I walked out of each of those houses feeling so alive! This. This is what I was made to do. This is the help I long to give. I don't realize how hard I am on myself until I'm faced with something I did right and I'm completely shocked!  Instead of dismissing it I am learning to smile and thank God for  working through me and showing me how to find deep and abiding joy in moments such as these.

Anger

Anger is like a bee. It shows up suddenly right in your personal space and its buzzing is too loud to ignore. Some people react to it by screaming and flailing their arms in hopes it will be scared away. Others stand very still trying not to provoke or appeal to it in any way. Then there are those that attack the bee in a preemptive strike sort of way. The bee may have peacefully moved on to getting nectar from a flower but they go after it anyway. They either get stung or they squash the bee. Both result in the bee's death.

The thing is that there will always be bees. We need them to help make our food grow. We need them to give us a taste of the sweetness of life. Killing all the bees is not the answer. Neither is acting like they don't affect us.

So what is the answer? How should I respond to the anger that buzzes into my space? Walk away and hope it gets distracted by a flower? Deny its existence and, if I get stung, act like it doesn't hurt? 

I never seem to land on an answer that stops the questions.

I didn't know.

How did I not know?!? I think maybe it's because it's taken longer with the other ones. Like at least 5 minutes. :) This time it was instantaneous. I'm still having trouble believing it really happened that way. But it really did happen.

I walked in the room, our eyes met, and, that was it, I was in love. I knew he'd always have my heart and I'd always be there for him. If he ever calls, I'll answer. If he ever needs anything I can provide, I'll give it to him.

He was about 10 minutes old at the time.

I've heard of this connection happening to birth moms and dads. I know it happens to adoptive parents all the time. I just wasn't prepared for it to happen to me. He's not biologically mine nor am I adopting him (though I was jokingly promised at one time that if he was a boy, I could have him. But that's another story). He is not genetically or legally mine. Apparently, love doesn't have any bounds.

(I may have heard it about 1000 times this Christmas break; Boundless Love as sung by EHSS.)

He was born into an incredible family. Dad, Mom, and 4 older brothers. But just because I'm like 17th on the list of people that would give their lives for him, the fact remains that I would.

I thought this bond would only happen if I became a mom. I thought I had to be born into a family or marry into a family to feel part of one. I was wrong.

I didn't know.

the moment: love at first sight.

well hello there Levi!
This is when I told him that he's probably gonna hear a lot of people say that he looks just like his brother Isaac but that he still gets to be his own person. The one God created him to be. I also told him that Pepsi tastes good and chocolate tastes bad. I needed to cover all the important stuff right away. "Train them up..."

I love you. *smooch*

Levi Kapelika Foster
born on 12/17/14 at 6:21pm
weighing in at 7lbs 12oz
measuring 20" long

God's already using him to teach me stuff. :)

Church at 30,000 ft.

Today I was flying and, due to there being no movie on the flight, decided to listen to a podcast on Romans 1:18-32. The sermon was exceptionally good but was hard to hear because it was about the fact that, left on our own, we not only worship ourselves but do terrible things to each other. As the preacher is listing many of the horrific examples of our utter and total depravity I am suddenly very aware that I'm sitting between two men and I'm traveling alone. It occurs to me to be fearful. And then, as though on cue, the man next to me starts singing Amazing Grace.

He can't possibly know what I'm listening to for two reasons: one-I'm using my earbuds and two-he's asleep! I noted this fact by using my masterful skills of deduction and observation. Also, he was snoring and drooling moments before and after the song. And his eyes were closed and... He was singing in his sleep, ok! The point is that he had no idea what I was going on in the seat 3cm from him.

But God, who is rich in mercy, knew exactly what was on my heart. You see, the man next to me shared with me earlier in the flight that he just lost his wife...yesterday. I was sitting there trying to figure out how to minister to him and he ministers to me, in his sleep no less! He had just suffered great loss yet he sings about God's grace. Tears filled my eyes as I imagined this was exactly the same hope the author of the old hymn was expressing when he penned the profound lyrics to "It is well with my soul". What a powerful reminder and incredible blessing. While I was dead, Christ made me alive by His grace. He loves me despite myself. He loves me and cares about the smallest details of my life. Amazing. Thank God there was no movie on that flight.


A few days after this flight God showed me an even deeper lesson...

God is bigger than my fears. Even if something horrific happens to me, He's still bigger than all of it. He can be trusted to be in control of everything. He is almighty God, maker of heaven and earth. He can breath life into dust and He can cue a sleeping man to sing of His amazing grace at the precise moment I needed comfort. He addresses my fears, He doesn't brush them off. He pays attention, always. "He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding." He is absolutely everything that I need.

my first costume/birthday party

It was the moment I knew my party was a success.

The night before I felt like calling it off. I was too nervous that it would flop and be boring. But it was too late to back out gracefully because I'd sent out invitations and had been talking about it for weeks. I was going to have a birthday party. There was no getting around it. "Can't go around it! Gotta go through it!" The words of 'Goin on a bear hunt' swirled in my head.

I wasn't sure how it would go with all my worlds colliding but I knew I loved everyone who I invited and I hoped they would at least tolerate each other. They did much better than tolerate, they seemed to get along pretty well!

I knew I was having a wonderful time but I wasn't sure how they rest of them felt until that moment. The one that blew my worries and expectations away. "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably (exceedingly abundantly above) more than all we ask or imagine" I almost missed it. Had the wind changed a moment earlier or the crowd gone outside a moment later, it would've been too loud for me to overhear the conversation that took my silly party to whole other realm of beautiful.

The moment I keep referring to was a simple yet powerful discussion between my dad and another dad. These two men are completely different in almost every way. Though separated by 25 years in age and walking vastly different lives they have one powerful thing in common. They each have a son with a developmental disability. This commonality bonds them in a unique way and they can talk about their experiences.

I didn't hear the whole conversation but I didn't need to. What is sealed in my heart as treasure are my dad's words "when he was diagnosed I had a family member come up to me and ask what sin I had committed". It wasn't the words themselves that blew me away but the fact that my dad was sharing that painful memory with a man he'd known for all of 25 minutes. He rarely talks about those days, and never with new people.

It has long been a dream of mine to bring parents, especially dads, together who have wisdom and empathy (not pity) to share with one another. The thought hadn't crossed my mind that it could happen at my costume birthday party amidst food, games, and music. But there it was happening before my very eyes! I'm just so very glad I didn't miss it.

Here are a bunch of pics from the best birthday I've had since last year ;) enjoy!!

I made my invitations because I had a specific look in  mind and didn't want to pay for it.

Mary Poppin's tape measure

my mom and my (honorary) sister Jen
(my mom's still learning how to take selfies)

Mary Poppins, Bridesmaid, Blind Referee
these two will do almost anything for me :)

Vicky, my friend and coworker 

Cousins 

these two boys make me so happy
Logan came as Captain America
Jeremiah came as Spiderman
I get to hang out with them each week at church. They teach me a lot.

Emma came as Belle
(She's Logan's little sister.)

The wonderful Dewey Family

This picture just makes me smile every time.

Superheros!

The serious picture...

and the silly picture.
(I labeled them in case you couldn't tell them apart. hehe)

Yolanda
aka Jeremiah's mom
aka my weekly dose of encouragement

the kids were pretty tired of posing at this point but they still humored me

I can always count on Caleb to be silly with me 

What's a Mary Poppins party without chalk outlines drawings?

my favorite picture of the day
both our dreams came true;
He got to have a long white beard and I got to be Mary Poppins

It really was practically perfect in every way. :)

cupcakes and relationship advice

Sometimes I have conversations with God that go something like this:

God: Hey how bout you become friends w that girl and give her advice about her relationship w her boyfriend?

Me: No thank you.......Really Lord? 

God: Yep. 

Me: So the fact that I've never had a boyfriend makes me perfect for this, right? (I'm sarcastic sometimes)

God: Yes it does. 

Me: This is crazy. 

God: I can see how it'd looks that way to you. But remember this important fact, we've been together for over 30 years. 

Me: That’s true but it's only because You're perfect. 

God: I know. And I can't dwell in unholiness, remember?

Me: Ya. You have taught me a lot about loyalty, trust, honesty, and true love. You've been and will always be all of those things and more to me. 

God: Yes indeed. I will always be with you, even while you're talking to that woman about her marriage and to that other woman about parenting. 

Me: This makes no sense to me but here I go. Please help me to sound sincere without any trace of hurtful judgement or conceit. 

God: I will be with you always. 

A few moments later…

God: How bout you make some cupcakes for your coworkers?

Me: What? Really? I don't even like cupcakes. They don't taste good to me and if I ever take a bite I feel sick from all the sugar. 

God: Bake them anyway. 

Me: So let me get this straight, You're asking me to advice people about their love lives and make them desserts? Neither of which I have any personal experience or expertise in?

God: You’re quick, you're very quick. (He's sarcastic sometimes too.)

Me: Oh my word Lord, here goes nothin!

God: I will be with you always.

He is a change-your-life amazing kid

Happy Birthday to one of my favorite boys is all the world! I got to hold him just days after he was born and he still lets me hold him and squeeze him whenever we are together. He is always ready to play and is quick to be encouraging, kind, and silly. Though he is young, he has been through some really scary and hard things in his life. But he knows deep in his heart that his Redeemer lives because he has called out to God to help him and he has felt the hand of Jesus holding his. He has wisdom and insight far beyond his 7 years and, at the same time, he has the beautiful innocence of a child, a WILD imagination, and an amazing sense of humor.

So, Hudson Joseph Hahn, happiest of birthdays to YOU! I thank my God every time I think of you and I pray that Jesus will continue to show people His love through you. I can't wait to see you and do something silly together!

I love you so very much Hudson!

Love,
Beffy