The End of Myself

Every year it happens. I throw a tantrum right before camp. I thought this year was going to be different because it hadn't happened yet but then, right as I was packing up the last of my things, it hit me. I DON'T WANT TO GO!!! It's kinda of like a 2 year old screaming she's not tired when clearly her eyes are closing and she's laying down. The truth is that I did want to go. All you need to do is mention camp and watch my eyes light up and a grin form from the frown and the truth is obvious. I clearly want to go. I'm just feel inadequate. Like a loving father scoops the protesting toddler up and into her bed to cry it out, God lets me work through my tantrum and get to the end of myself so that He can say, "Relax. No need to panic, I've got this."

The theme verse of the week could not have been more fitting to address my insecurities. Psalm 23:1 "The Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need." It's all right there, clearly God provides. He knows what I'm capable of and how much help I need. He's not worried about any of it. 

I was on the team that trained the 65 volunteers who came to serve at camp as STMs (Short Term Missionaries), so there was no room for me to act like a two year old. I needed to put my big girl pants on and act like a grown up, or at least a nine year old. The good news for me is that there is plenty of room for silliness and play. This video, shot by an incredible STM, is me being my true self. I thought she was keeping the camera on the camper so I was really letting it go!

My favorite thing about the Joni and Friend Family Retreat is that there is life change happening every minute of every day through the silly and the serious. There is universal acceptance and unbridled love in the midst of immense pain and suffering. There is rest from the battle fatigue that most of the families carry with them to camp.  That rest is possible because of those 65 STMs that are paired up with a camper. The campers are either people with disabilities or their siblings. Every year I get to see first hand how God transformed them from being wide eyed and scared on the first day to being in awe of what just happened to them. They learns lessons that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives. Here are three of my favorite STM stories from this week. *I've changed the names to protect or to be mysterious or something like that.*

STM Paul's story

Watched episode of House about a rare and fatal disease. Goggled it. Cried. Wrote a paper about it for school and was devastated by its effects on people. Hoped to never know someone who would be going through that kind of suffering. Came to JAF Retreat and read his camper's dx. Wept and didn't think he could handle it. Met Jimmy. Bonded with him. Got beat at UNO repeatedly. Had one of the best weeks of his life. Saw the man, not just the disease. Life changed forever. 

STM Silas' story

Had no experience with people affected by disability. Got recruited to serve at camp. Went through training with great concern and trembling. Face full of questions, concerns, and doubt in his own abilities. Met his camper John and suddenly realized none of this was about himself. John was the celebrity in this scenario and Silas was the assistant that held John's keys and organized his schedule of appearances. John was the teacher and Silas was now a wide eyed eager student who felt honored to have the privilege of attending John's school. Perspective forever shifted. Life turned right side up. 

STM Martha's story 

Her sisters couldn't come this year so she wasn't going to either. Then she realized there was no reason not to come. God changed her heart and not only did she want to come but deep down she was hoping to be matched with one specific camper. A difficult one. A challenge. She didn't want to get her hopes up to high lest she be disappointed with her assignment. Sunday night came and she rubbed her eyes and blinked back tears as she read the name of the one she was hoping for right there in print. God had a divine appointment for those two and it looked like it was one of the best weeks of both of their lives. Martha is coming back every year no matter what. She's hooked.

Joni and Friend Family Retreat 2017 had all the plot twists, drama, and comic relief of an oscar worthy movie. And by the end of it, the truth was clear: The Lord was our Shepherd, we had everything we needed.

I'm not happy all the time.

confident day

rough day

People often comment that it seems like I never have a bad day, that I'm always in a good mood. It's a nice reputation to have but not entirely accurate. So, for some reason, I feel like dispelling that myth today. Here goes: yesterday was a rough day for me. I was reacting to life in a much more emotional way than I usually do and was feeling a little bit crazy. Over the course of the morning, I found myself reaching for tissue after tissue. I would use one, think I was done crying only to find myself needing another one as the tears kept flowing.

What in the world was wrong with me? Was a loved one in the hospital? Had a pet just died? Did something bad happen to me? Nope. None of the above. I was completely unproductive at work and ended up taking some benefit time off to try to shake this bizarre feeling. I had made plans to see my sister and, even though I had text her visual proof of my instability, she wasn't afraid and still showed up to have lunch with me. She's a brave one and it helps that she loves me. It turns out this emotional roller coaster is what is scientifically defined as being a woman. Good grief. I didn't really believe the science lesson until about 9:30pm, when my hormones decided to balance themselves out and my sanity was restored! Well, at least to within normal limits for me. I was amazed at how different I felt from one moment to the next.

There are also days when I wake up feeling confident. I like to take full advantage of those days by doing something bold with my hair and sometimes even wearing lipstick. (gasp!) For some reason wearing lipstick feels like I'm putting on a sign asking people to look at me. So I wear it about twice a year. Every other day you'll find me happily applying whatever flavor of lip smackers is within arms reach. Strawberry Kiwi Comet is my favorite. I love that stuff slightly more than an adult person probably should. It's simply the best. Okay, enough with the product endorsement.

My point here in not to say I'm unstable, nor is it a cry for help. I'm actually fine. I have good days and bad days just like every other human and today I felt like talking about it. So there you have it, I'm not happy all of the time. I don't think that fact is shocking or surprising but many times we don't share statements like that online. We tend to share highs and, occasionally, tragic lows, but not as many boring old real emotions. How are you feeling today?