The many ways he ruined my life by having a disability

We are full grown adults now, totally grown up, yet he still ruins my life in unexpected ways by having a disability. In fact, recently, he and our parents were going to come to town to have lunch with me and do some shopping. I took my time that morning waking up and getting out of bed but was about to get ready to face the world, when I got a text from my mom. She said plans changed. He's not in a good mood so lunch and shopping are off.

Is it weird that I wasn't surprised or even upset? I'd seen him on Saturday and this was Monday. Even though it had been two days and I was 45 minutes away, I had a feeling he was in a bad mood. I don't know if I was born with strong intuition or if he made me that way but in any case, the situation caused me to think of the many ways he has ruined my life, or maybe better put, changed me, by having a disability.

1. Took up so much of the emotional space that I was forced to consider others feelings before my own.

2. Needed someone nearby at all times which meant I always had someone to play with and boss around

3. Had to be my mom's priority on my first day of kindergarten so I ended up walking to school with strangers who became my lifelong friends

4. Didn't understand religion and couldn't follow religious rules so I saw the difference between law and grace

5. Always wanted to talk to people but his speech was difficult to understand so I learned how to be an interpreter

6. Loved repetition of songs, stories, and questions so I learned creative listening and answering

7. Was angry without knowing how to express why so I became an investigator of cause and effect

8. Gave vague and deflective answers so I discovered body language and tone

9. Never stayed on a subject for more than two sentences so my mind became nimble

10. His mood would change the course of the entire experience for better or for worse so I had to learn that the world does not revolve around me

11. Didn't understand complicated, multi-step concepts or directions so I learned to quickly translate them into small concise steps

12. Has always been bigger and stronger than me so I had to learn the art of persuasion

13. Desperately wants an item but can NOT handle having an empty wallet so I learned to think through purchases before I made them

14. Has a hair-trigger temper that launches us all into crisis mode so I learned to be calm, composed, and diplomatic under pressure 

15. Does embarrassing things all the time but managed to teach me that I embarrass him too 

16. Incessantly asks for what he wants until he gets an answer he can understand and accept and showed me how to be persistent when searching for clarity

17. His needs could trump mine at any moment so I learned that God is the only One I can count on 100% of the time and God is faithful to show me that He is more than enough.

I'm convinced this list is not complete because he has more ways to frustrate me and to teach me. God has always gotten my attention through Nathan and I'm sure that will continue so stay tuned. :)

Never forget

I imagine I will always be able to tell you where I was on 9/11/01 and I will also be able to tell you where I was on 9/12/03. Here an my account of that day.

It was a Sunday, at about 2pm, I was at my parents house and I got the call I’d been praying the last three weeks for. After hanging up, I called my cousin Amy. I am forever grateful that Amy came with me and that by 2:30 we were on our way to Long Beach. I think God must have given us some sort of tail wind because at 6pm we were at the church where she’d called me from.

When she walked out of the building I gasped inside. She was so thin and her eyes were hallow. She didn’t think the abuse showed on the outside but it did. I could see it from her pale face to her dejected shoulders to the hesitation in her steps. She touched her purse and tried to smile and greet us with her chin up but even eye contact seemed painful. She was walking out of a war zone and it was okay to show it.

I vaguely remember thanking the people at the church who had given her shelter that day and then we got in the car to start our journey home. It felt like a movie scene where the prisoner gets broken out of prison and the getaway car is a Saturn SC with four cylinders that goes from zero to sixty in two days. As we approached the freeway exit to his house, she felt the gravitational pull to go back “just to spy on him”. I wanted to give her anything she asked for but she was well practiced in forgetting the bad and the ugly. That’s how she survived. But now began the time to slowly learn how remember again. So after a two second hesitation, I said no to her half hearted request and sped up to keep widening the gap between hope and fear. The healing had just begun.