Act Cool

SHE did it!!!

That was what he told the police officer as he pointed his accusatory finger in my face. I could have punched him. The officer basically saved his life. 

I was 27 years old and Nathan was 30. We had been driving from Visalia to our parents house in Dinuba for our usual Sunday visit. I had just passed another slow driver but had forgotten the crucial step of slowing down after crossing back over the yellow line. I saw the police car pass me and do an immediate U-turn. When his lights started flashing, I knew I was guilty. 

My stomach sank. In my 9 years of driving, I'd never been pulled over before for anything. I was never even been a passenger in a car that was pulled over. So I could only reference TV and movies for how this process might go. I certainly didn’t know how he was going to react to the situation. I had no reference for how to predict what would happen next.

As I pulled my 1999 Saturn SC over to the side of the two lane country road, I said, “Nathan, I’m getting pulled over for speeding.” He sat up a little straighter but didn’t say anything.

I put the car in park and waited for the officer to appear at my window. But he didn’t.

I heard a knock but there was still no one outside my window. Oh crap!, I screamed in my head. 

“Nathan, roll down your window.” I said (sort of) calmly.

“No.” he replied.

I didn’t have power windows and my arm wasn’t long enough to reach over him to do it myself so I yelled, “Roll down your window, NOW!!

“NO!!!!” he yelled back.

“DO IT!!!!!!!!” I screamed in desperation as I heard another knock.

He extremely reluctantly rolls down his window, points across his body at me, and declares, “SHE did it!”

I could not believe my ears. I had whiplash from the lightening fast shift he made from loyal companion to narc! What a lousy, good for nothing, disloyal brother who was…absolutely right. I had done it. But I thought that was pretty obvious seeing as I was sitting in the driver’s seat and all!

I handed the officer my license, registration, and insurance card. Before the officer had walked two steps, Nathan had his window rolled right back up. Suddenly, he knew how to move fast! I started murmuring inside as we sat in silence and waited, for what felt like forever, for the officer to come back.

Knock, knock!

“Roll it down,” I said sternly

“No”, he repeated just as sternly

Seriously?? We’re gonna do this again?!?

“YES!” I hissed (okay I may have yelled it)

He rolled it down reluctantly and exclaimed once again, “SHE did it!”

Then, he showed the officer the cover of his newest CD and said the words that will forever ring in my ears. “I only listen to gospel music!”

So now I’m angry AND embarrassed. Great, just great. I’ll get him later, when there’s no law enforcement present.

The officer didn’t seem to understand Nathan’s words (thank God for difficult speech!) Or maybe he just had no idea how to respond to being shown a gospel quartet CD as proof that a passenger of a car wasn't guilty of speeding. I feel comfortable betting that particular scenario had never happened to him. In any case, he changed the subject entirely by asking, “Hey, do you know Mr. Warkentin that teaches at the high school?”

For the 3rd time in the span of a few minutes, I couldn’t believe my ears. He’s really asking about our dad while I’m sitting here on the side of the road with my disloyal brother?!? Of course he is.

“Yes”, I said, while shaking my head in shame, “we’re his kids.”

“Oh! I was his student,” the officer said

Perfect.

“Have a good day,” he said

“You too”, I mumbled back but there’s no way the officer could have heard me. You know why? It’s not because I spoke too softly. It’s because the window was already rolled up. He just can’t play along and act cool. Nope. Not Nathan.

As I pulled back onto the road he says, “I won't tell anyone.”

“OH REALLY?? NOW you’re gonna be on my side? Tell anybody you want. It’s a free country.” I huffed.

He started to repeat his promise when I abruptly cut him off with my pointer finger and said sharply, “shut up.”

He gingerly took his Signature Sound CD out of the player and put it safely in his, now infamous, case.

I turned on my music a little louder than usual. Not a word was spoken the rest of the way to Dinuba.

About 15 minutes later, he pushed past my dad and went straight to his room. My dad looks at me quizzically and asked what Nathan’s problem was. I turned to both my parents and confessed, “He’s trying not to tell you that I just got pulled over for speeding.”

Then he appears out of nowhere and all loyalty drains out of him as he points at me once again and exclaims (say it with me now) SHE did it!!

My mom tried to keep a straight face but had to put her head down to try to hide her smirk.

“That’s exactly what he told the officer!" I said. (It was my turn to tell on him.) 

My mom started to giggle.

“He said that to the officer?!?” my dad asked.

“Yep! Guess what he said after that?” I exclaimed. “You want to tell them?”, I said to Judas Nathan.

He suddenly had nothing to say.

“I want to hear what he said!” my mom said eagerly.

“He showed the police officer his CD and said, ‘I only listen to gospel music!’” I testified.

My mom almost fell out her chair from laughing so hard.

“Oh Dad, by the way, your student says hello.”

“Oh really? Who?” he asked

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s on the ticket he just gave me,” I said in exhaustion.

From that day forward, whenever my parents or I feel we are being accused of something by the other one, we invoke Nathan’s not guilty plea by putting our hands in the air and insisting “I only listen to gospel music!” 

Here it is...the I'm-not-guilty gospel music.