Never forget

I imagine I will always be able to tell you where I was on 9/11/01 and I will also be able to tell you where I was on 9/12/03. Here an my account of that day.

It was a Sunday, at about 2pm, I was at my parents house and I got the call I’d been praying the last three weeks for. After hanging up, I called my cousin Amy. I am forever grateful that Amy came with me and that by 2:30 we were on our way to Long Beach. I think God must have given us some sort of tail wind because at 6pm we were at the church where she’d called me from.

When she walked out of the building I gasped inside. She was so thin and her eyes were hallow. She didn’t think the abuse showed on the outside but it did. I could see it from her pale face to her dejected shoulders to the hesitation in her steps. She touched her purse and tried to smile and greet us with her chin up but even eye contact seemed painful. She was walking out of a war zone and it was okay to show it.

I vaguely remember thanking the people at the church who had given her shelter that day and then we got in the car to start our journey home. It felt like a movie scene where the prisoner gets broken out of prison and the getaway car is a Saturn SC with four cylinders that goes from zero to sixty in two days. As we approached the freeway exit to his house, she felt the gravitational pull to go back “just to spy on him”. I wanted to give her anything she asked for but she was well practiced in forgetting the bad and the ugly. That’s how she survived. But now began the time to slowly learn how remember again. So after a two second hesitation, I said no to her half hearted request and sped up to keep widening the gap between hope and fear. The healing had just begun.

Flawless

In keeping with my habit, I've been reflecting on my time at this year's Joni and Friends Family Retreat. So many things happened over the course of the week that made me feel all the paradoxes: able/disabled, confident/uncertain, delighted/annoyed, equipped/lacking, joy/fear. I had all of the answers and none of the answers. 

The lesson God kept faithfully teaching me through hundreds of different little experiences is that He is all the first things when I am all the second things. He is able, confident, delighted, equipped, joy, and The Answer. I don't need to become those things or produce those traits in myself. And it's a good thing because I can't make myself be those things. I can pretend to be able to but the reality is that I can't. God is those things and in His great mercy and grace offers to be those things for me and for all of us. 

One of the ways God taught me this lesson was through the following scene between a man in a wheelchair named Michael and a man next to him named Alan. 

Michael’s singing is in the form of happy humming sounds and Alan’s singing is in the form of off-key notes and clear words. One man has spent his life being cared for and the other has spent his life caring for his loved ones. Both have learned to communicate without words. Both have experienced lifetimes of frustration and pain and both have seen the hand of God in all of it.

They met on a Monday afternoon and bonded immediately. By Wednesday they seemed to understand each other on a deep level. Alan would make a move, Michael would make a noise, Alan would adjust, and Michael would silently approve. Michael was teaching Alan his language and Alan was soaking it in.

I had the privilege of watching this exchange happen many times throughout the week of camp. My favorite time was when they pulled up to the lake in front of the patio I was working at. Alan situated Michael’s chair near some steps and sat down on the step. Michael made a sound and Alan got up. He moved Michael’s wheelchair forward several feet closer to the edge of the lake and Michael approved. Alan no longer had anywhere to sit but that didn’t bother him.

The next thing I heard was a familiar Mercy Me song coming from Alan’s phone. The two men started singing and the words of that song have near been more profoundly beautiful to my ears.

“No matter the bumps
No matter the bruises
No matter the scars
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless

No matter the hurt
Or how deep the wound is
No matter the pain
Still the truth is
The cross has made
The cross has made you flawless”

I was wrecked. Tears flowed as my heart swelled with the Truth of the gospel on display before my eyes. 

We are all flawed but the cross has made us flawless.

Moments later, Alan and Michael passed by me and Alan remarked, "Michael is the first person to ever sit through me singing an entire song! Hahaha!" 

God was even faithful to provide me with comic relief when I was overwhelmed by the wonder of it all!

Best Picture

I don't know how he does it but he makes every experience memorable. For better or worse, they are all memorable.

The story of my first speeding ticket is one I've told countless times and quotes from that story have wiggled their way into my vernacular. Read it here and I'm sure you'll start saying "I only listen to gospel!"

The story of my second speeding ticket is boring, not even worth talking about, except to shake your head at me for getting two tickets. You know why it was boring? He wasn't there.

Recently, my parents and I went with him to Tahoe Joe's for his birthday. He did all kinds of his usual embarrassing moves like avoiding eye contact and responding to questions like Scooby-doo but the server thought he was great! When she came to deliver his birthday cheesecake, he wasn't in his seat. She looked so disappointed and then relieved to hear that he was just in the restroom and would be right back. She stood there and waited for him, holding the cheesecake with the candle in it, armed with a lighter to start the celebration as soon as he returned. He had made a connection with her and as she said good-bye to us, she looked at him and said, "You come back and see me again soon, okay?" I'm sure she wouldn't mind if the rest of us showed up but she was really only talking to him.

I've been to that restaurant countless times and nothing that memorable has happened. You know why? He wasn't there.

Last night my whole family went to see Brant Hansen's Misfits Tour with Producer Sherri and special guest Jason Gray. It was "an incredible night of awesomeness" just like Brant had been repeatedly promising on the radio for weeks. They were all so funny that by the end my face and my throat hurt from laughing so much! It was all memorable but the moment I will remember the longest was at the end of the night during the meet and greet.

I went through the line the first time with my brother Edward and his family. I was nervous because I always get that way when I am about to meet people that I admire. Everything went well. I got a big hug from Sherri and a solid handshake from Brant. They both signed my copy of Blessed are the Misfits and it was wonderful to meet them. Really wonderful. But it wasn't an experience to write about and expect other people to think was interesting. You know why? He wasn't there.

About 5 seconds after that, he walked up to me and said, "I want to meet him!" I looked behind me and saw that my turn was over and the next people were well into their picture taking, hugging, and handshaking so we couldn't just jump back into the space and expect positive attention. Then I looked at the line that stretched across the room, into the hallway, and around the corner and said, "Okay, but we're gonna have to get in the back of the line." I thought he might be dissuaded but he headed for the hallway and soon we were standing near the bathrooms hoping our rides wouldn't leave without us.

On their radio show and podcast, Brant and Sherri often talk about being introverted and extroverted, reading social cues, high fives, hugs, eye contact, and what they've learned from each other about social interactions. Brant talks about having difficulty both reading and using social cues. He has autism so he learns to follow rules rather than instinct when he's interacting with people who don't have autism. So as the line is moving forward, I'm wondering how this interaction is going to go between Brant and him. He has an intellectual disability and Brant has autism. He doesn't follow social rules and Brant memorizes them. This interaction is bound to be interesting.

It's almost our turn so I review the plan. We will say hi, take a picture, and move on. (Sure we will.) "Do you want to wear your hat in the picture?" He takes it off. "Do you want to be in the picture by yourself or do you want us in it with you?" "Ya, you guys too," he says to me and our sister-in-law.

Before I even notice that the people ahead of us are done, I hear "HEYYYYY BUDDY!!!" He's rocking and rolling. High fives, side hugs, clearing his throat, putting his hand on his neck and singing low notes (off key), laughing really loudly, smiling, not making eye contact, striking lots of poses for the picture while showing off his singing "skills". Then he starts dancing. Oh my.

As we are taking the picture, I hear Brant say,"This is my favorite picture of the night!" I looked at Brant and his face is glowing with joy. Seriously? This is the guy who says that people usually see his facial expressions and think he's angry even though he's not. But, of course, not in this moment. He's all smiles as Nathan gives Brant his hat and Brant understands that Nathan wants him to sign it. He steps over to meet Sherri and I'm just trying to stay out of the way as he starts what looks like a touchdown celebration dance. She doesn't miss a beat and starts dancing too! He hands her his hat and she signs it too. He loves people and loves autographs. Sherri is still dancing as Nathan walks away. I'm still just trying to stay out of the way.

I will remember it as the night I got to meet Brant and Sherri and the night that Brant and Sherri got to meet Nathan. Suddenly, he turned into the celebrity they were excited to meet! I don't know how he manages to, in the same moment, be completely embarrassing to me and an incredible blessing to everyone else. He's got a gift. Best picture of the night? I guess. Most memorable? Absolutely!

Singing during the picture =
embarrassing Memorable

My moment was wonderful. I will remember it but I don't expect they will.
It went just like all of the other pictures went. There was no singing OR dancing.

This picture is my favorite because these two had already bonded and I'm just trying to catch up.

My 20th Anniversary

"Traditionally, the 20th anniversary was celebrated with china but in modern days, the official gift is platinum," says the internet.  Today marks my 20th anniversary of being a single adult. I'm accepting gifts of all shapes and sizes, please don't feel limited by tradition. I actually have enough china.

At first sight, this post may seem like a sad story or one that will turn into a pity party. It's the opposite. The fact is that God has been faithful in teaching me incredible things over the last twenty years. I've learned how to be independent, how to be interdependent, and how to be dependable. I'm still learning how to be dependent, that's a tough one for me.

God has taught me how to take care of other people and how to take care of myself, all while reminding me and showing me that He is the One caring for all of us. He's given me wonderful, life-giving friends who help keep me as sane as is possible and He uses them to remind me that my life is valuable. I've gotten to be an honorary aunt to all of my friends' kids. Time holding and playing with those kids, renews my strength and quiets my spirit. And then I get to go home and sleep in my own bed without anyone waking me up.

Owning a home and doing home improvement projects has been frustratingly fun and empowering! I can now install light fixtures, fix a toilet, demo a kitchen, sand and stain cabinets, install major appliances, repair a fence, fix irrigation pipes, and mix cement. I never aspired to learn any of those things but now I look forward to the next project.

Sure, I eat alone, sleep alone, make decisions alone but I'm not actually alone because God promised to never leave us or forsake us. Ever. Not in 20 years or for all of eternity. His love endures f o r e v e r.

No need to tilt your head and sigh while trying to think of something encouraging to say. Just smile and wish me a happy anniversary. Oh and platinum gifts are also acceptable.

the neon orange sticker

I have a like/hate relationship with this neon orange sticker.  I don't love it at all. It sets me apart and I struggle with that on a fundamental level.

The receptionist opens that drawer every time I enter the Central CA Blood Center,  peels off the paper from the back of the sticker, and hands it to me with the expectation that I will immediately put it on my shirt. It's the rule, I have to wear it. Part of me wants to because it's the difference between winching in pain and feeling a slight twinge of discomfort when they draw my blood. It's my ticket to the absolute best that is available. But the other part of me wants to cover it with my hand and quietly rip it off the second that receptionist turns her head.

So what if my blood type is O- and can be given to anyone and everyone?! It's the kind you give someone if you don't know their blood type. (Well, maybe not you, but a medical professional.) It's value exceeds that of all the others because it has the quality that the others don't have.  It won't hurt anyone. The best phlebotomist in the building is the one required to draw my blood. Only the best because this needs to go well. It needs to work. Failure is not an option because they need to save lives with this magic pint of blood. So what. Does that mean that other people should suffer more at the blood center? That people with type AB should be given the rookie who started yesterday and takes three tries to find the vein? No, not necessarily. But sometimes yes.

I love the scene at the end of the movie 'Ever After' when the wicked step mother tries to act superior to her wicked daughter and the daughter screams, "You're just the same as me, you big nobody!!!" The two of them are now on the same bottom rung of the social ladder. I don't know if the mother is more furious about them being servants or being equals! All she ever wanted was to be better than everyone else but the harder she tried, the farther she got from her goal. 

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be the same as my brothers. I wanted to be their ages. I wanted to be able to go shirtless and play outside like they did. I wanted glasses like they had. I wasn't to sing like my oldest brother and have the confidence of my older brother. I wanted us all to have the same IQ. I wanted people out in the world to treat us the same way and to understand that we were all broken in our own specific ways. I am not better than them, sweeter, or more loving than them. I am prettier though, I'll give you that.

Fortunately, I've learned some things over the years. Eventually I will be their ages and I will need glasses. Maybe someday I will work on my singing voice and will start walking up to people to give them 8 high fives but the chances are slim. And the fact of the matter is that I can't change our IQs. God gave each of us the level of intelligence that we have and each of those numbers is different. Most importantly, I've learn that same has a different definition than equal. My real goal is equality. 

But, this side of heaven, there is inequality. So I try to acknowledge the truths in the pray of serenity by accepting the things I cannot change and asking for courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to see the difference.

Oh, and it turns out, wearing a shirt is just good sense. Although, if I didn't have a shirt on, I bet no one would notice the neon orange sticker...

Top Ten Tips for a Father Raising a Daughter

Recently, my parents were asked by three fathers of daughters about advice for how to raise a daughter. These men have a total of 10 daughters between them all so I think my parents were feeling a little inexperienced having only raised one. Be that as it may, I still found their answers to be ridiculous. 

My mom: They asked us for advice on how to raise a daughter.

I think she expected a sarcastic remark from me like, “Wow, they must be hard up for advice!”

But instead I asked, “What’d you say?”

My mom: “I don’t have any!”

I looked at my dad. “I didn’t have anything to say either!”, he exclaimed.

Me: “Well, that’s ridiculous! You could have said all kinds of things! Why would you say nothing?”

They had no response. Then it dawned on me. My parents don’t give advice and they certainly don’t brag about themselves. They just don’t.

So I went to my room and started writing. I came up with a list of 10 tips for how to raise a daughter. I tore it out of my notebook and handed it to my dad. 

I will list them below, Letterman style: 

The Top Ten Tips for a Father Raising a Daughter

10. When she wants to tell you something, listen with all of your attention.

 9. Love your daughter more than anyone else (be her biggest fan) and remind her that God    loves her infinitely more

 8. Don’t tell her that being happy is the most important thing

 7. Talk about money and how to use it wisely

 6. Instead of yelling, explain calmly

 5. Say yes as much as possible so the no’s have more significance

 4. Teach her what trustworthy and honest look like by being those things all the time

 3. Figure out what motivates her and use that to help her process decisions

 2. Treat her and her mom like you want others to treat her

And the number one tip for a father to raising a daughter…

 1. Love her mom well

My dad did all of these things, not perfectly, but he did them. And you wanna know who taught him? My mom.

Rescued

I am often reminded that I look at the world first through the eyes of a sibling. I notice how people are treated, especially the vulnerable or at risk, the least of these. I compare and contrast. I contemplate and consider. It matters to me because I'm selfish and because I love my brother. He has a developmental disability. He and I have always been very close. So the selfish part of me doesn't want him to be treated any better than me and the loving part, of course, doesn't want him treated any worse either. I want us to be equals. Okay, most of the time I want that. Sometimes I want to be better than him but what sibling doesn't? Anyway, the fact is that the world doesn't see us as equals. The world doesn't see his value, initially. But when someone does, I notice and I remember. 

As I've gotten older, it's become clear to me that I care about how all people with disabilities are treated. I am especially passionate about how the Church treats them. I hear stats like 80% of families affected by disability do not attend church and I am grieved because of that inequality. Most families have at least two children so that means four people aren't hearing the gospel. Four people are feeling rejected and four people are not being given the opportunity to be part of the Body of Christ. 

When I was sitting on the steps of the ruins of the library in Ephesus, I heard a story that made my heart drop and then soar. It was being told by Shea Sumlin to our group of 39 people studying church history as we traveled through Turkey and Greece. 

The story was about how the Church reacted to the least of these. A doctor in the city wrote a book about how to determine if a newborn was worth keeping or not. The infant was judged based mostly on physical characteristics and health. If the baby was deemed worthless he or she would be thrown into the city's trash heap, left outside in the elements, or given to the slave traders. Babies were literally being thrown away, discarded like rotten food or used toilet paper. 

Then something remarkable started to happen. The babies were being rescued from the trash heap and the elements. The slave trades had to move on because their were no babies to sell. Oh parents were still rejecting them but the Church did not. The church of Ephesus was taking the babies in and raising them as their own. They saw that the infants were of infinite worth. They knew God loved these children and that alone was reason enough to rescue them.

It's a beautiful picture and example of how God rescues all of us. We are not just vulnerable and at risk, we are dead in our sins and He responds by giving His life to save us. His salvation is for everyone, no matter our earthy value. "For I am convinced that neither life nor death nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38) 

So how should the Church respond today? We can say with our lips that all people are welcome in our churches. We can claim to love our neighbor as ourself. We can insist we want everyone to come to church but do we want everyone to stay? If we don't want them to stay then we are Pharisees giving lip service. If we do want them to stay but don't provide a way to make it possible then we are hypocrites, nothing but the squeaking of a rusty gate. 

Let us be known to future generations as being like the church in Ephesus who saw the least of these and realized we are all one in Christ. 

The Library at Ephesus

Our Turkish tour guide Ozan explaining the history and the architecture 

Little did I know, I was about to have my mind blown after Ozan was done and Shea started teaching.

looking up from where I was sitting on the library steps

What an incredible location for a wedding shoot!