Don't you even want kids?

It happens almost every time. I am playing with a kid or just showing someone a picture of me and a kid and then the question comes...

Don't you want kids? 

Other times it's phrased as a compliment...You should have kids! You have so much love to give!

What's the best way to respond? I'm not entirely sure but here are some of the things I've said:

"Not by myself. I'm too selfish for that. I need someone who I can tag team with."

"Maybe some day!"

"I get to have fun with these kids and then give them back to their parents :)"

I admit that in my heart, I do feel like I want kids. 

But I also feel even more strongly that I don't need to have kids in order to love them. I have close friends with kids for whom I would give my life. A few months ago, I counted how many kids that applies to and I came up with 18! And I occurred to me that I would never have time to love that many kids if I had my own. God has given me 18 kids to love and I'm really amazed at His grace. 

So the next time I'm asked the inevitable question, it won't matter so much what I say. I want it to be a chance for me to remember, not the kids I don't have, but the ones I do. 

30 days after the break-up

In case you're wondering how I'm doing after my break-up with Pepsi (and all other forms of sugar), here are your answers. I broke it down into two lists because that's what made sense to me today.

Things I miss                                               

• the TASTE, it never disappointed
• the first drink from an ice cold can
• using it to celebrate, morn, and every occasion in between
• the anticipation of the next one
• having it be something people could give me to show their love for me
• the comfort I found in drinking it and letting it's effects wash over me

Things I don't miss

• the extra pounds
• the stomach aches
• the diarrhea, gas, and bloating
• the swollen ankles and feet
• the constant need to know where I would get my next one
• the physical and emotional crashes I'd have if I didn't have one
• the dependence on it for comfort and balance physically and emotionally
• the money it cost me and others to always keep a supply of it everywhere I went

I was joking today that I should get my 30 day chip because I've been "sober" for a month. Being a pepsi-holic is not even remotely as serious as being an alcoholic but I do have an understanding of what it is to have an addiction. It took me 20 years to realize that pepsi and sugar weren't just unhealthy for me, they were what was making me sick on an almost daily basis. It's been a strange month in many ways. It has sucked and been really good. And by good, I mean awful. I don't recommend being allergic to sugar but I do recommend figuring out your food issues, even if it is the trendy thing to do. Do it anyway. You might have to let go of everything you hold dear but then again you might discover you were holding on to something that was hurting you. It might suck but then again it might be awful. Happy 30 days everyone!

My breakup letter to Pepsi

I never thought I would be writing you this letter. To say that I've agonized over it is an understatement. There was a time when I thought our love would stand the test of time and nothing could come between us. Unfortunately, the years have chipped away at our once perfect relationship and there is nothing left to hold on to.

Let me start by saying what I think we both feel, but what we've both been unable to say out loud: our relationship is not working, and it hasn't worked for a long time. In fact, rather than strengthening our lives, it just weighs us down and makes our lives more difficult. We've tried calm discussions, silence, arguing--we've even tried trial separations. How many times have we decided to try again only to find ourselves battling the same demons once again?

A few days ago, I started to make a two-column list: your issues and mine. Then I realized that it was a waste of time. I came to the conclusion that no one is at fault. We are simply two different. We have tried to make a relationship work and just couldn't do it. This brings me to one of the hardest decisions of my life--I've got to move on.

I hope you will honor my decision and not ask me to reconsider, as I have not arrived at it casually. I do not want either one of us to go through this painful process twice because I truly believe that this is the best resolution for both of us. We still have an opportunity to part quietly and with dignity, and I think we should take it now.

We need to concentrate on making the present as happy as possible and try to keep a positive outlook on the future. I think a year from now we will both be doing so much better that we'll probably wonder why we hadn't ended the relationship sooner.

I wish you well and I hope you will believe that this is not just a trite phrase. Let's try to remember the good times, let go of our present miseries, and have the common sense to move on.

Goodbye my dear friend.

The picture is blurry because there were tears even in the camera's eyes.
Listen closely and you can hear a bugle playing faintly in the background.

The above letter is a silly combination of two breakup letters I found online but the sentiment is accurate. The time has actually come for me to stop drinking Pepsi on a daily basis. If I want to stop feeling sick and stop gaining weight, then I must face the fact that I'm allergic to sugar. To be specific, I'm allergic to sucrose (table/white sugar) and fructose (sugar found in honey, fruit, and...pepsi). No sugar substitutes for me either. Nope, can't eat or drink those either. 

So what does that leave me with, you ask? Well, I'll be drinking water and unsweetened black tea and I'll be eating vegetables, meat, and foods that turn into glucose (bread, pasta, rice, etc). 

This change will hopefully lead to good things like fewer stomach aches, less digestive pain, weight loss, and more energy. Who knows, maybe I'll get down to a size 6! Not likely but a girl can dream ;) Actually I'd be happy with my clothes just fitting right again. 

Thanks for reading and cheering me on! 

Before the Throne of God

I woke up this morning and didn't want to face the day. I wanted to cover my head and avoid it all. So I sat in my pouty mood and had a small pity party because I'm super mature. ;) But then I got up and, as I was getting ready for the day, God put a song in my heart and I started singing. It's an old hymn but it is so relevant to my life today. I hope that, by sharing it with you, it can help you on days you'd like to check out instead of getting up. It's called Before the Throne of God Above and here are the lyrics: 

Before the throne of God above

I have a strong and perfect plea.

A great high Priest whose Name is Love

Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,

My name is written on His heart.

I know that while in heaven He stands

No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within,

Upward I look and see Him there

Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died

My sinful soul is counted free.

For God the just is satisfied

To look on Him and pardon me.

Behold Him there the risen Lamb,

My perfect spotless righteousness,

The great unchangeable I AM,

The King of glory and of grace,

One with Himself I cannot die.

My soul is purchased by His blood,

My life is hid with Christ on high,

With Christ my Savior and my God!

One with Himself I cannot die.

My soul is purchased by His blood,

My life is hid with Christ on high,

With Christ my Savior and my God!

 

Written by Charitie Lees Smith Bancroft

"To look on Him and pardon me." That line can bring me to tears. God Almighty looked at His perfect Son on the cross and said that, even though my sin put Him there, He forgives me completely. God declares me innocent, holy, and blameless in His sight. This declaration is not meant to ignore my sin or to say it's not sin anymore. Jesus paid the penalty for my sin. The punishment was not altered. The punishment for sin is still death. What changed was who the punishment was carried out on. Who paid the ultimate price. Who got the blame, the sentence. Those all changed. 

"My soul is purchased by His blood." Jesus stepped in front of us and took the rap for us. And instead of the punishment of death and eternal separation from God, we get freedom and eternal life with God! What a mystery it is that God chose and will always choose to love us unconditionally. Always and, quite literally, forever.

So when we wake up and feel defeated, He is ever faithful to remind us that He will never leave us or forsake us because His love endures forever.

Forget me not

"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remembers their sins no more." Isaiah 31:34b

Something has always bothered me about that verse. "As far as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12) sounded good but erasing my sins completely from His memory didn't sit well with me. Is it strange for me to remember something that God has forgotten? Aren't we called to go into the world and share the gospel? Are we supposed to do this sharing without talking about our sins?? If I leave my sins out of the story then what did God save me from? Is it really about memory or is it about His remembering to hold our sins against us? 

When we share our failures with each other we are united in the truth that no one can save us but God. No one deserves to be saved and no one is better than anyone else. We are all one in Christ. I heard a devotional at camp a couple years ago about this very subject of remembering.  It was so refreshing to my mind, heart, and soul because he talked about how God does remember and even sets up memorials for significant events throughout the history. 

Genesis 9:16 "Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth." God flooded the earth one time and then promised to never do it again. Even today He forms rainbows in the sky to remind us of His promise.

Joshua 4:5-7 "Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever." God wanted His people to remember what had happened there.

Even before the temple was built, God had designed a way for people to bring offerings to remember significant things God had done and to bring sacrifices for sins that had been committed. There were specific rituals and ceremonies for remembering all kinds of things the Lord had done. One of the most well known is Passover, remembering when God brought His people out of Egypt and started them out on a journey to the Promised Land. Numbers 9: 1-3 "The Lord spoke to Moses in the Desert of Sinai in the first month of the second year after they came out of Egypt. He said "Have the Israelites celebrate the Passover at the appointed time. Celebrate it at the appointed time, at twilight on the fourteenth day of this month in accordance with all its rules and regulations.""

The most significant memorial is the very body of Jesus, His hands, feet, and side. He encouraged Thomas to touch his hands and side to remember what happened, to stop doubting and believe in Him. John 20:27 "Then He said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.""

It is such a relief to hear that God remembers things instead of always hearing about Him purposefully forgetting things. I realize more as I get older, how comforting it is to me when other people know my history and love me anyway. It is reassuring to know that others have walked through life with me and have taken note of what God has done. And it is all the more wonderfully grounding and stabilizing to know that God knows my history. He holds the future but He also holds my past. He knows full well what He has saved me from and will never forget the journey He has brought me on to know Him more. 

The part that He remembers no more is the punishment for my sins. Jesus paid it all so there is no more debt. The debt has, not only been paid, it has been erased from my name and put in His name. My debt no longer exists. He doesn't go back and delete or white stuff out. He put my debt in His name and wrote with His blood 'paid in full' over all of it. Now He gives me opportunities to tell other people what He has done and how He's done it. 

He remembers your sins no more but He knows every detail of your story. He will never leave you or forsake you or forget anything about you. He loves us more deeply than we can comprehend and His love endures forever. 

I got in my car after work one evening, looked up,
 saw this, and my day was redeemed.

Doing Life Together

I send myself on missions trips. I just realized that's been my pattern lately...maybe all along. Interesting concept. I have close friends who live near and (mostly) far and one of my favorite things is to go visit them. I hardly care where they live. I just care that they are there. Sight seeing is close to last on my list of priorities. Quality time is number one in my heart. I want to step into their lives and experience their routines. I want to meet and connect with their families, most especially their children. I want to PLAY and learn what makes those precious little souls soar. Laughing and learning and being silly are fuel for mine. 

What is their language and how quickly can I learn it? What makes them smile and how often can I do that? What will they remember and how can I encourage more of that? How can I support, encourage, and love my friends and even take them out of their parenting roles and help them see that they are not only wonderful parents but wonderful friends. They tend to forget that fact when they get married and, once they become parents, they think it was something they used to be. When that moment happens that their confidence is renewed and they see what I get to see, that is the moment I treasure and want to hold up to them like a mirror so they can't brush it off as a dream or fluke. It was and is real. They really are wonderful friends worth more than gold and are most precious to me. 

Of course, these trips come with a cost. They are never easy for me. I arrive and see a complete family: A husband who mostly knows me as his wife's friend, a wife who is my friend but her most important roles in life are wife and mother, and children who may or may not remember me because they were either very young or weren't alive yet during my last visit. We all have to get acquainted and warmed up to each other. It's awkward and there are some false starts sometimes but we work through it. I try to bond with the kids because I want them to like me and I want to be able to give my friends a break from some of the responsibilities of parenting. And while I know I will deeply enjoy falling in love with the children, I realize I also have ulterior motives. I know that I won't get any quality time with my friends if their children are clinging to them and leery of me the whole time I'm visiting. I have to make space for myself without threatening anyone or encroaching on anyone else's space.  

It's funny though, I start off one way and then I get carried away and immersed in learning about everyone in the family. I end up loving the whole family and it's no longer about me. Then the hardest part becomes, not making space but, saying goodbye. UGH! NO!!! I strongly dislike that part. It means I have to leave more pieces of my heart behind. It's painful but it's also good. I always cry, no matter how hard I fight it. My heart has been expanded and my world less self-focused. Great is God's faithfulness to teach me the same lesson over and over again with such gentle and unwavering patience. His mercies are new every morning and on every trip.

The common phrases and challenges I hear in church these days are to "do life together", "live on mission", and "be the church". I often use these phases as punch lines (because trendy phrases bring out the sarcasm in me). But this last week especially, I've learned to recognize what those phrases look like and mean to me in my life. Turns out, despite myself, I love doing life together. 

I hope this long tale, in some way, encourages you as you continue to learn what God has for you each day. As you do life with the people around you, may God remind you of His unwavering faithfulness. He will never leave you or forsake you.

The Origin

I started this post a very long time ago and this blog even longer ago and just realized that I forgot to finish the post telling you that I forgot to tell you why I started it! What? Oh and also where the name of it came from! Stay with me...

I started my blog because I did a lot of writing in journals and rarely shared what I wrote with anyone. I would often tell the stories out loud (which I prefer) but seldom in print. I've also talked for years about writing a book but so far that's all talk too. I thought maybe writing a blog would be a good baby step to writing a book. Or at least it would satisfy the part of me that wants to share my writing with others. Turns out, I've enjoyed the feedback from those who have read my blog and I may just write that book. Stay tuned. (But don't hold your breath. Blogging is waaaaay easier.)

I'm getting ahead of myself again! I need to go back to the beginning and tell you a very important story about the experience that sparked a lifelong pondering about truth, love, pain, joy, family, grief, and disability. Here now is the story of the origin of the phrase and title of my blog: Act Normal.


The first time it happened I couldn't even laugh. I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly. We were taking one of our, almost daily, walks to Grandma Thiesen's house talking loudly, laughing, and making big dramatic gestures when suddenly Nathan looked ahead and saw that we were going to cross paths with some strangers. Immediately he straightened up and started to walk faster. As he past my mom and me he waved his had behind him as though we should follow his lead. Then he whispered loudly of the side of his mouth, "ACT NORMAL!". My mom and I gave each other puzzled looks, straightened up, and silently followed the "normal" one in the group the rest of the way to grandma's.

It was mind blowing on so many levels to hear Nathan tell us to act normal. First of all telling us to act normal implies that we are not normal so our best option is to try our best to pretend that we are normal. He knows us so well. He actually sees us and understands so much more than my low expectations allow. It's true, we aren't normal. 

Second of all, coming from Nathan-who rarely does anything that I consider normal-it implies that he thinks he is the example of normal to us. But if it's a toss up between Nathan and me, I'd vote for myself every time. Yep. I said it and I'll say it again. He's weird and does weird stuff because he doesn't have this cursed inhibition that I have. 

Thirdly, is that a tone of EMBARRASSMENT I heard? REALLY?? I embarrass you?! Are you kidding me? Oh come now, let's talk about how this is inconceivable! How could I possibly make you feel anything but pure joy and pride and, dare I say, gratitude for the privilege of having me for your sister? I just don't see it any other way. 

It's one of the many gifts of God that He has given me over and over again in the form of Nathan.

Perspective. 

So that's why I started this blog, to pass on the gift to you. :)